Tag Archives: story

Humble Boys Club of Westmoreland – spoken song

From a cabin in Jamaica comes a spoken word song made from loops, samples and layers of spoken and sorta-sung vocals inventing stories about a workers’ boarding hall which burned down years back and the foundations sits, still.

Satan Lives in Moab

Devil Lives in Moab
Devil Lives in Moab

Note: Thanks to the long defunct Provo band, “Trees” for the title and the also defunct newspaper “the Stinking Desert Gazette” for inspiration for this tale.

The Devil lives in Moab
He owns a small convenience store
From which he peddles hotdogs
The Trees, Provo Zion

One

Satan lives in Moab, he owns and operates a small convenience store. That is where I first met him. He was selling hot dogs and six-packs to lycra-dipped, granola-yuppie types. I asked him for a job to support my sorry, misguided ass in the stinking desert.

“Bob,” said Satan, “Bob, Bob, Bob….”

Two

I first came to Moab, Utah to re-align my cosmic psyche by way of crystals, incense, Taoism, Buddhism, mysticism, jism, potions and lotions, and a bundle of printed matter all smelling of patchouli oil. Really an amazingly curious, new-agey thing that ran its course like a cold-sore. That ambition gracefully lost itself in time, my senses returned with the assistance of longtime residents, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam. Now it was mostly Buckhorn beer and the noble, greasy camaraderie of the local poets, prophets, polygamists, tour guides, lynchers, rednecks, miscellaneous madmen and uranium miners. Several of them were acquainted with Satan; I was introduced the night the Poplar Place burned down. Things burn in Moab a lot. Things burn and grocery stores close down.

Three

First off, Satan is not red, fuming, flaming or have goat horns. Still, he is not a particularly attractive man; balding, pasty skinned, overweight and what appeared to be an acute case of lip cancer or maybe just a horrible cold sore. Most days he wore a blue velour sweat suit and expensive, high performance running shoes, “I have bad arches,” he justified. He took the time to mention the hi-tech specifications and features three times daily. I told him they made him look younger the day I asked him for a job. His shoes were usually blue to match the suit, the coloured highlights varied with the pair.

Four

“Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,” he mumbled, “a job, a job, a job.”

We were sitting in the back of his store. I was perched between large crates of waxy drink cups with catchy, trademarked names distinguishing them from other drink cups. The air conditioner crooned and rattled, Satan went from his particleboard desk to turn on the sink. He placed his veiny scalp under the running water for several minutes while we talked. He patted it dry with a stiff paper towel.

I felt uncomfortable and out of my element, as I often do, and thought of trying to make intelligent conversation but stopped on account of it being impossible. Instead, I listened to the running water splash and bang on the bottom of the deep stainless sink. He held another paper towel under the stiff stream of water then tucked it under his armpits, dragging the sweat out. Undignified, but useful I figured. He stuck his thighs back on his Naugahyde and duct-tape chair and spun it around on the rollers.

“I can’t pay you a lot of cash, but . . ., but there are perks.”

Five

Today, like yesterday, it was hot out. I sat in front of the store sipping sticky, orange soda from my coffee mug. Being summer, I took off my shirt to work on my burn. Like always, between 11 and 3 o’clock, there wasn’t a customer to save my life. I read a wrestling magazine that became a mess from sweat and soda-pop.

Satan rode up on his bicycle — huffing, seething and smelling of freshly killed meat. There was a large circle of perspiration sticking his shirt to his flaccid chest. He dumped his bike and walked directly into his store, the little bells tinkled and the door wheezed shut on its compression device.

Satan used to drive his 1963 Buick hardtop everyday, now he usually rode a bicycle the three blocks to work. A lot of bicycles in town these days. “I think the ladies will notice me more,” Satan said a while back.

“Sure, that should gain favour with the women,” I said. That’s what started that.

He reappeared shortly, scalp gleaming and holding a hot dog and a quart of milk. “Cow juice and cow guts,” he told me, holding them up for display. He did this most days. There was a thick line of mayonnaise sliding towards his elastic waistband.

His breath was gaseous from eating pickled hard-boiled eggs from a large glass jar by the cash register. He also ate goldfish — he won one hundred of them at the ring toss at the Grand County fair. They came in plastic bowls filled with colored water. He ate them on crackers.

“Bob,” he said munching, “what’s your bit.”

“What?” I said.

Eventually, we had an animated conversation about hopes, dreams, ambitions, plans, etc. His were mostly very different from mine. Then we reorganized the Twinkies, Ho-Hos and Ding-Dongs.

Six

By October, the air usually cools off some. This year, however, things kept burning. It was mostly cars overheating on the road and the occasional flaming house in Castle Valley.

The big mountain biker Halloween party in the old City Market building was the last time I saw him. It was actually on the 30th. I dressed as Tarzan, Lord of the Apes, and he went as a construction worker. The band was good and I won a pair of boots for a door prize. He won ski racks.

After he was gone, I found the manila envelope he left amongst the burnt rubble of the store. The fire hadn’t been terrible, although he was uninsured.

He said in the letter, that I was right about employment losing its novelty quickly when it wasn’t essential, as was his situation. Included were several riddles, clipped comic strips and three moist goldfish although no sign of his whereabouts. He did say how much he enjoyed Moab, it being the center of the universe and all. Landscape Arch was his favourite, until the three-ton chunk of rock fell from the center; oddly he stopped going after that.

He went on to say he had left a gift for me in a town called Fruita; it was just across the Colorado border. I had just enough money for my gas and oil, so I drove out in my pick-up truck to investigate.

A large real estate sign with “SOLD” scrawled across in bright red paint in front of fifteen acres of sagebrush. Certainly not prime real estate, but adequate. There were fourteen, healthy black and white Holsteins, a well-charred fire pit, and a mailbox with my name on it. I grinned, and went to meet the neighbours and get cable T.V. hooked up.

Seven

Months later, after I had skipped bail, I received a letter in Whitefish, Montana. Satan said how surprised he was when he heard about what I did with my ranch. He said he had pictured me living comfortably, raising my herd of cows, driving to the Spic n’ Span Cafe and pinching the polyester bums of the waitresses. Maybe even selling pumpkins on the side of the road come next Halloween.

With the benefit of hindsight, it probably had been extreme, though naturalistic. I had left after torching my aluminum tool shed and stampeding my brand-covered cows (eight sunshines apiece, no mistaking) throughout the county with a very large shotgun. It was my first real weapon, a mighty beast I bought at a pawnshop in Grand Junction. I sawed the bitch off like the Road Warrior and drank more so I’d more bottles to shoot at. Feeling so primal and hedonistic was new, interesting and somewhat unexplainable at times. I handcuffed the sheep to the dog kennel and drove off, lobbing homemade Molotovs at the billboards. It had made for an interesting sight.

Satan wrote that he certainly understood the potentials of innate human responses, which often produce extreme behaviour. He had dealt with this on several occasions so he wasn’t particularly surprised.

“Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob,” he wrote, “that was, however, very poignant of you.”

I’m quite sure he didn’t know what that meant either.

© 1990, written in SLC, UT — Modified in 2014 to reflect Canadian spellings.

Proud to be a British Columbian – My BC Jobs Plan Story

I was recently asked to share a personal profile piece withe BC Jobs’ Hide Ozawa, who is coincidentally also the goalkeeper for the SFU Clan Men’s Soccer Team, about my role at HootSuite, a leader in British Columbia’s tech space. For the record, while I attempt to gingerly avoid political posturing, I am a proud BC resident and thought my story was worth sharing. Read Meet Dave Olson for my full profile.

Meanwhile, here’s an excerpt that I found particularly interesting:

Image
Photo by Kris Krug

“Prior to joining HootSuite as one of the company’s first ten employees in 2010, Dave’s curious personality led him into dozens of industries in various countries all over the world. “During my twenties I bounced around continents and held around 100 (very) odd jobs. I was a grape picker in Germany and mushroom farmer in Japan. It was during a stint as a private beach host on the island of Guam when I discovered this thing called the Internet,” he says.”

BC Jobs Plan also recently featured profiles on two of my good friends and their success stories in the province. Meet Kris Krug and Meet Rebecca Bolwitt here.

Back in December of 2010, I was also highlighted as This Week’s Featured Vancouverite: Dave Thorvald Olson on Vancouver Tourism’s Inside Vancouver blog

About Hootsuite – Just Talking Podcast, 2012

Appeared on Just Talking Podcast with Chris to discuss Hootsuite, community building, marketing and social media globally.

As the blurb says:

“This week I’m joined by Dave Olson, VP of Community for Hootsuite. You can expect conversation about Hootsuite’s origins, Dave’s evolving role at Hootsuite, social media best practices, Hootsuite’s international expansion and owl obsessions.”

You can download the About Hootsuite with Dave Olson on Just Talking podcast or listen onboard:

Vancouver’s Pecha Kucha Night #20 – All Star Special Edition @ Vogue Theatre via Chronicles of Times

Vancouver’s Pecha Kucha Night #20 – All Star Special Edition @ Vogue Theatre

March 2, 2012

I really enjoyed Dave Olson‘s (aka. Uncle Weed) talk, more for the flow and ebb of it than anything. As he walked about on stage I winced every step he took on account of the cast on his right foot.

He walked around a lot.He talked a lot about his idea of what it means to succeed, or at least progress as a human and explore ones own creativity and self, which I think is fairly accurately depicted by the photograph below, where the comfort zone is not where we should be hanging out in. It was very clear why this is Dave’s third Pecha Kucha appearance.

Source: Vancouver’s Pecha Kucha Night #20 – All Star Special Edition @ Vogue Theatre « Local « News « Chronicles of Times

Three Days and Eleven Dollars, Nov. 1991 – Postcard #58

By a campfire on Owl Creek, Dave reads an instructional guide to hitch-hiking about a November trip from South Carolina to Rhode Island with a series of tips including smiling, signs, watches, and going with the flow while Dan Funboy noodles on guitar.

Stick your thumb out for Three Days and Eleven Dollars, Nov. 1991 – Postcard #58 (.mp3, 10:20,10MB)

postcards from gravelly beach

Edited/Produced plus Album Art designed by Bread the Producer

Note to self: find snapshots from hitchhike (also White House sign)

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Twitter: @uncleweed

Drug Test Resistance in Belize – Choogle on #73

On back porch, Uncle Weed shares a personal message to the chooglers international followed by a spiel about tactics to resist a golf course incident induced corporate drug test using vigilance, friendly lawyers, a trip to Belize w/ broken wrist, and Tolstoy’s War + Peace.

Pack your bags for: Drug Test Resistance in Belize – Choogle on #73 (.mp3, 36MB, 38:45)

Drug Test Resistance in Belize - Choogle on #73

More about Drug testing and Privacy

Report on Privacy Issues in Workplace Drug Testing (.pdf) & Drug Testing issues chart (.doc) by Dave Olson circa 2003

Caye Caulker, Belize 2001 – photoset

Subscribe

Grab the Choogle on feed or via iTunes

More Podcast Goodness

Postcards from Gravelly Beach – Literature podcast – FeediTunesBlog

Out n’ About with Uncle Weed– Travelin’ man vidcast – ShowFeediTunes

Ephemeral Feasthouse – Miscellanea & notes – BlogFeedPodcast

Clubside Breakfast Time – OlyWa Rock and Punditry – BlogFeediTunes

Visit

Uncleweed.net for more writings, podcasts, paintings and photos

Travel Info

Go Caye Caulker, Belize

Ignacio’s Beach Cabins (cheap and rustic) on Caye Caulker:

Name: Reuben Reyes
Email: reyesreubenreyes (at) yahoo (dot) com
Email2: ignaciobeachcabins (@) yahoo (dot) com
Telephone: 501-226-0175
Mailing Address:
P.O. Box 1169
Belize City
Belize District

From BelizeLouge:

Ignacio’s Beach Cabins is well south of the main Caye Caulker village area. You won’t have many neighbors so it could be extremely relaxing, but that also means buying something at the village store or having more than one or two restaurants to choose from is a 10-15 minute walk to the north. The airstrip is about 5 minutes walk to the south, so it’s convenient if you are flying in and out.

From Belize Toucan Trail:

“Ignacio’s Cabins were opened in 1978 with just five units, an outhouse, bucket showers and cost BZ $3 a night! While the bathroom situation, number of units, and price has changed, not much else has. The main draw for this accommodation is that each private cabin has its own veranda with a view of the sea. Rooms are basic, hot water may be sporadic and it?s a bit of a walk from the village, but there is a private dock and an artificial reef off the dock for snorkeling. There is a small book collection in the main office for your leisure reading. There are a variety of prices depending on the size and location of the cabin, i.e. front or back and a two night minimum stay is required. These wooden cabanas have survived storms and hurricanes and thousands of budget travelers.”

“Ignacio Reyes was a fisherman and decided to open up the accommodation in the late 1970’s. Ignacio is the grandson of Luciano Reyes, one of the original settlers of Caye Caulker. Today, the hotel is managed by Ignacio’s children, primarily his son Ruben.”