Category Archives: Healing Journey

Poetry > Phone

source of quote unknown, source of art also unknown

If folks ever wonder what I’m doing, or how I’m doing or whatever… they can figure it out through reading my poetic dispatches. To me it’s very obvious but I suppose it shrouded in mixed- metaphors, curious phrasings and obtuse examples. Though to me, poetry is one’s life distilled to core essence. Far more sincere than “catch-up chitchat“ on a phone call.

Also (vaguely related):

My journals/notebooks/scrapbooks etc. are the most precious items which I keep safe and stored (keep in mind I have very few possessions). Most all of the contents is sort of in the “code of poetry” – specifics are known only to me and someone would have to be *very* dedicated to interpret the metaphors into facts and emotions. There something in Nabakov’s Lolita which expresses similar sentiment (no creepiness intended).

“Unrest” Documentary about CFS-ME

Dave gazes at Rodin's interpretation of the Gates of Hell from Dante's Inferno
Dave gazes at Rodin’s interpretation of the Gates of Hell from Dante’s Inferno

Finally up worked nerve/courage to watch @unrestfilm – Cried & laughed + noted im not alone. So much familiar: documenting, crashing, trying *everything*, endless Drs, so much confusion/suspicion/loss. 5 years along #cfsme & #fibro. Was invincible dynamite before.

Also, was funny in the movie to see her obsessing about mold and putting up a tent (I did this), making bone broth (which I did obsessively and one of my former charges now has a bone broth company), all the supplements (which I spent so much money on!), and all the “superfood“ smoothies/drinks/concoctions… Oh, and also all the Chinese herbal remedies cooked up in a big pot making the whole house smell crazy weird.

PS Unrest the film is on Netflix, iTunes and other places.

Today’s checklist

Today:

  • 13 blood test
  • 2 immunization boosters
  • 3 dental fillings
  • 3 prescriptions
  • 1 vitamin injection
  • 2 molded ear plugs
  • 1 red curry
  • 2 Thai tea
  • 1 cappuccino
  • 2 cigarillos

Grateful: International Women’s Day

A fond salute of admiration to exceptional, compassionate, empathetic and skilled medical professionals who have helped me along on this healing journey. Admiration for their tenacity in training, professionalism in practice, and kindness and patience shown to this ole brokedown poet. #respect

Healing(ish)… &/or surviving

So many years now
Trying, climbing, sliding
Up the slides of a slippery well
Fighting, accepting, relenting
Leaves with only
Exhaustion from the inevitable slide

##

  • leftantler kbo.
  • ddonat Is there more than just exhaustion? Does the struggle provide meaning?
  • uncleweed@ddonat Nope, all that “whatever doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger” I’m calling bullshit on. It’s just the #fibromyalgia crash carousel of frustration
  • ddonat I’ve been going through deep depression. Eventually, I decided to get help. I’m now medicated, getting counselling and doing my best to get out of it. I hope there is light at the end. I don’t have fibromyalgia, but I hope there is something better through my struggle. I’m a bit proud that I’m still hear fighting.
  • ddonat@ddonat I have hope in that you’re still fighting
  • stew255 KBO – sometimes it’s lower case, some times it’s upper case !
  • nabspat Counting on signals
    Walking, crawling, remembered,
    Forget the weapons
    Hearts and minds, outstretched
    Strip dust and distance, unbound-
    You. Posture beloved.
  • auxinafenica Makes me mad to know awesome people have to go through this. Sending you and whomever struggles with huge fights a huge huge huge hug.

Beige unrelenting present…

Every day brings
An anniversary of something grand
So much promise and vigour
Graceful ambition, earnest yearning
“Don’t let the past affect the future”
Sound so easy
Until the beige unrelenting present
Brings another morning of pain

Tarot Reading, Jan. 2018

My dear friend K. did this remote Tarot reading for me as she’s done a few times previous. Posting (slightly edited for personal-ness) notes here for reference to future self:

I’ve been channeling you all day though. I’m wearing the purple calico shirt you left at Dane’s. I stole it from him the last time I was there. (It looks better on me anyway!) I’m also wearing your mom’s Birkenstocks and listening to the Grateful Dead.

Tarot Cards Reading: Jan. 2018
Tarot Cards Reading: Jan. 2018

I set up the space with a bunch of Dave O memorabilia and letters. I put the photo of you in your Chinese garb on my phone to watch over the shuffling, cutting and dealing of cards.  Your energy was here in every way!

1.You: The Fool, one who walks without fear, you are attempting to manifest creativity, move toward wholeness and re-own your courage(how apt!)

2.Crossed by Love (2 of cups). I don’t think I need to define “love.” (Again, how apt!)

3.Distant past: Dominion (2 of wands) Drive to be a pioneer, dynamic energy, leadership ability.

4. Recent past: Peace (2 of swords) The mind is at peace on a subconscious level concerning two polarities, situations, or relationships.

5. The present: The Magus, the communicator. Gifted in areas of visual and auditory arts, mass media/ public relations.

6. Near future: Oppression (10 of wands) You are experiencing self-repression. There’s a fear you will not be understood or accepted. There’s determination to release this. Looking back ten years before may reveal the same feelings.

7. Present position: Debauch (7 of cups) Indicates a pattern of emotional overextension. You’re experiencing some depression and are trying to relieve the pain by overindulging.

8. Environmental factors (influence of others/ your influence on others): Satiety (10 of cups) Deep emotional satisfaction!!!

9.Hopes and fears: Death. DO NOT INTERPRET LITERALLY!!! It’s a great card! Something is ending and that makes way for a beginning. Like you said, you “burned down your old life” I also think you’re terrified of a new relationship ending badly.

10. Culmination: Science (6 of Swords). You have the gift of logical, rational thinking to communicate about something new that needs to be put forth in a clear, objective way to be understood and well received.

Tarot Cards Reading: Jan. 2018 (arrangment)

In conclusion: You seek a new love interest that is really satisfying, but you don’t want it to go up in flames. You are getting back to a place that you have that drive to create & communicate. Use your communication abilities to express yourself in a clear, rational way.

It’s kinda funny that you got no disks in this reading. Disks are related to health and wealth. I can only assume from this coincidence, that your path is mental, spiritual and emotional. Your physical world will take care if itself, if you take care of the other domains.

On that note, I’ll share your horoscope from my favorite eclectic wordsmith, Rob Brezsny.

“Just because you’ve become accustomed to a certain trouble doesn’t mean you should stop searching for relief from that trouble. Just because a certain pain no longer knocks you into a demoralized daze for days at a time doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Now here’s the good news: In 2018, you can finally track down the practical magic necessary to accomplish a thorough healing of that trouble and pain. Make this the year you find a more ultimate cure.

Artifacts from Dissanayake Ayurvedic Hospital, Galle (Sri Lanka)

Artifacts from Dissanayake Ayurvedic Hospital in Galle, Sri Lanka, a government-run, pay-what-you-can facility where i received Ayurveda treatments for some weeks Dec. 2017-Jan 2018 from a kind practitioner called Ruwan, also met with a wise Doctor who recommended I do a longer in-patient Panchakarma program here, but some life situations changed and i didn’t do the program.

Dissanayake Ayurvedic Hospital
Dissanayake Ayurvedic Hospital: Sign
Dissanayake Ayurvedic Hospital: Lobby
Dissanayake Ayurvedic Hospital: Lobby
Dissanayake Ayurvedic Hospital: Treatment room
Dissanayake Ayurvedic Hospital: Treatment room
Letter to Sri Lanka Ayurveda hospital
Letter to Dissanayake Ayurveda Hospital, Galle (Sri Lanka)

Dog days of healing

Sure don’t enjoy talking about, or even acknowledging cause feels like i’m conceding power & spreading sadness, but… fck me, the fibro + me/cfs etc really got me achey bleary today. I’ll be alright, just saying here rather than hollering out-loud and weirding folks out.

from Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/p/BcSM1LplRyg/

Of logistics and papers of health conundrums…


Hey Pals, remember a week or so ago when I was feeling so blue and grousing about all this paperwork and the anxiety and the stress it causes…?

Well after a mighty effort yesterday, everything is packaged into four envelopes to mail to various government offices, doctors, insurance companies and so on.

But I’ll tell you, it was no fun emotionally or mentally as i listed all the different doctors, treatments, modalities and so on for the past three years. And the net result is of no benefit to me as they simply take out the Canada pension plan disability pymt from my private insurance disability payment (Which, don’t get me wrong I’m incredibly grateful to receive otherwise I would be living in a tarpaper shack by now).

Telling you this as a “victory lap” since I didn’t go out to celebrate with pints and joints till 4:20 AM (instead took a long hot bath with Japanese bath salts, three kinds of soap and some nice tunes in a dark bathroom) 

Plus telling you this so I can let you know I truly appreciate each of you for acknowledging me when I’m losing my shit, offering to help, letting me know that you care and that I’m not invisible.

I know I’m not a real peach to be around these days and as much as I try to be positive and optimistic, there is no mental strength I have to stop wondering “what if?”…

I’ve gotten closer to acceptance in that I accept that I will never be the guy I used to be, and progress will be slow but there is more out there for me to do. 

My revolutions are now much more gentle and usually done from the comfort of a bed.

But truly, thanks, I often regret sharing this shit with all of you since everyone has lives and responsibilities and expectations and problems but, it’s what I know how to do.

Did I mention thanks and that I adore you?

I’ll add a photo of something as people seem to enjoy those :-) and now that I’m done, perhaps I’ll share a new batch of music for your ears soon to overwhelm all the negativity, violence and politics and religion and nonsense in the world.

Occasionally, Dave