If folks ever wonder what I’m doing, or how I’m doing or whatever… they can figure it out through reading my poetic dispatches. To me it’s very obvious but I suppose it shrouded in mixed- metaphors, curious phrasings and obtuse examples. Though to me, poetry is one’s life distilled to core essence. Far more sincere than “catch-up chitchat“ on a phone call.
Also (vaguely related):
My journals/notebooks/scrapbooks etc. are the most precious items which I keep safe and stored (keep in mind I have very few possessions). Most all of the contents is sort of in the “code of poetry” – specifics are known only to me and someone would have to be *very* dedicated to interpret the metaphors into facts and emotions. There something in Nabakov’s Lolita which expresses similar sentiment (no creepiness intended).
Finally up worked nerve/courage to watch @unrestfilm – Cried & laughed + noted im not alone. So much familiar: documenting, crashing, trying *everything*, endless Drs, so much confusion/suspicion/loss. 5 years along #cfsme & #fibro. Was invincible dynamite before.
Also, was funny in the movie to see her obsessing about mold and putting up a tent (I did this), making bone broth (which I did obsessively and one of my former charges now has a bone broth company), all the supplements (which I spent so much money on!), and all the “superfood“ smoothies/drinks/concoctions… Oh, and also all the Chinese herbal remedies cooked up in a big pot making the whole house smell crazy weird.
9 years ago today, I presented “fuck stats make art” to a full house at SXSW, scored hash brownies and MDMA in Austin, drank whiskey backstage with the black angels. 11 years ago, signed up for Twitter. Also brother Bob’s birthday.
These days, a challenge to just get out of bed for a cup of tea… I’m really trying to “move on”, find “acceptance” and “close the book on old life” but it sure the fck ain’t easy with such wild & fulfilling actions in my past
A fond salute of admiration to exceptional, compassionate, empathetic and skilled medical professionals who have helped me along on this healing journey. Admiration for their tenacity in training, professionalism in practice, and kindness and patience shown to this ole brokedown poet. #respect
ddonat Is there more than just exhaustion? Does the struggle provide meaning?
uncleweed@ddonat Nope, all that “whatever doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger” I’m calling bullshit on. It’s just the #fibromyalgia crash carousel of frustration
ddonat I’ve been going through deep depression. Eventually, I decided to get help. I’m now medicated, getting counselling and doing my best to get out of it. I hope there is light at the end. I don’t have fibromyalgia, but I hope there is something better through my struggle. I’m a bit proud that I’m still hear fighting.
Every day brings
An anniversary of something grand
So much promise and vigour
Graceful ambition, earnest yearning
“Don’t let the past affect the future”
Sound so easy
Until the beige unrelenting present
Brings another morning of pain
My dear friend K. did this remote Tarot reading for me as she’s done a few times previous. Posting (slightly edited for personal-ness) notes here for reference to future self:
I’ve been channeling you all day though. I’m wearing the purple calico shirt you left at Dane’s. I stole it from him the last time I was there. (It looks better on me anyway!) I’m also wearing your mom’s Birkenstocks and listening to the Grateful Dead.
I set up the space with a bunch of Dave O memorabilia and letters. I put the photo of you in your Chinese garb on my phone to watch over the shuffling, cutting and dealing of cards. Your energy was here in every way! 1.You: The Fool, one who walks without fear, you are attempting to manifest creativity, move toward wholeness and re-own your courage(how apt!) 2.Crossed by Love (2 of cups). I don’t think I need to define “love.” (Again, how apt!) 3.Distant past: Dominion (2 of wands) Drive to be a pioneer, dynamic energy, leadership ability. 4. Recent past: Peace (2 of swords) The mind is at peace on a subconscious level concerning two polarities, situations, or relationships. 5. The present: The Magus, the communicator. Gifted in areas of visual and auditory arts, mass media/ public relations. 6. Near future: Oppression (10 of wands) You are experiencing self-repression. There’s a fear you will not be understood or accepted. There’s determination to release this. Looking back ten years before may reveal the same feelings. 7. Present position: Debauch (7 of cups) Indicates a pattern of emotional overextension. You’re experiencing some depression and are trying to relieve the pain by overindulging. 8. Environmental factors (influence of others/ your influence on others): Satiety (10 of cups) Deep emotional satisfaction!!! 9.Hopes and fears: Death. DO NOT INTERPRET LITERALLY!!! It’s a great card! Something is ending and that makes way for a beginning. Like you said, you “burned down your old life” I also think you’re terrified of a new relationship ending badly. 10. Culmination: Science (6 of Swords). You have the gift of logical, rational thinking to communicate about something new that needs to be put forth in a clear, objective way to be understood and well received.
In conclusion: You seek a new love interest that is really satisfying, but you don’t want it to go up in flames. You are getting back to a place that you have that drive to create & communicate. Use your communication abilities to express yourself in a clear, rational way. It’s kinda funny that you got no disks in this reading. Disks are related to health and wealth. I can only assume from this coincidence, that your path is mental, spiritual and emotional. Your physical world will take care if itself, if you take care of the other domains. On that note, I’ll share your horoscope from my favorite eclectic wordsmith, Rob Brezsny. “Just because you’ve become accustomed to a certain trouble doesn’t mean you should stop searching for relief from that trouble. Just because a certain pain no longer knocks you into a demoralized daze for days at a time doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Now here’s the good news: In 2018, you can finally track down the practical magic necessary to accomplish a thorough healing of that trouble and pain. Make this the year you find a more ultimate cure.
Background: Along my healing journey, I received treatment at Dissanayake Ayurvedic Hospital in Galle, Sri Lanka, a government-run, pay-what-you-can facility.
I attended this hospital for Ayurveda treatments for some weeks during Dec. 2017-Jan 2018 and was treated by a kind practitioner called Ruwan. I also met with a wise Doctor who recommended I do a longer in-patient Panchakarma program here, but… some life situations changed and i didn’t do the program. I saw the rooms and talked to the doctors and while it was very spartan and not cozy, the staff seemed to be very intent on their practice.