Tag Archives: figuring it out

Declaration: upon waking up

I wrote this declaration upon waking up…

This past summer, after literally losing my mind, I decided to step into the abyss… Bravely, intrepidly and without compromise.

Holed up at a mountain cabin while chaos swirled around my lives, I listened to the message from records from decades ago, I hot boxed my beloved bus were so many happy memories happened, I reunited with charming characters from my past and even better, met their children who are adults (moreso than me anyway), then with a solid head of mushrooms and MDMA, this plan came to me.

On a psychedelic carpet, i clicked enough buttons on the Internet, to purchase an abstract variety of plane tickets to send me a round like a manic boardgame in search of a new flavour of truth and reality.

Salt Lake to Las Vegas to Pacifica to Chaing Mai and now to this anonymous city where I’m practically the only foreigner in a city mourning the death of their beloved King, I’m finding comfort and solace and healing.

In scant days, I will leave again into uncharted territory, beyond what science and reason says is capable of this haggard body but I refuse to except anything but finding some sense of joy.

I can live with pain I accept, but I cannot accept living without my brain and without my heart and soul. I am born to give, exist to share, and I am empty without those.

Without a safety net, without and emergency escape route, without language skills, without the strength to punch my way out of a wet paper bag, I have built a tiny universe and painted the walls just the colour I chose.

Who will return to the West Coast on December 6? what will I look like? Who will I be? I am indifferent to all of these questions as the destination is simply a byproduct of the journey.

The journey is me and I am the journey. Brick by brick, I will gently apply the mortar to rebuild, to renew, to replenish and regenerate from the very mitochondrial cells outwards.

What ever the result, it will be me.

Old vs New (notes re: self)

Renegade adventurer v. Eccentric gentleman  

Remote and natural v. Walkable villages  

Ragged beards v. Straight razor shaves and mustache  

Hiking shorts and rock t-s v. Tailored suits and fitted shirts  

Free conference pens v. Disposable fountain pens  

Craft beer v. Water and tea  

Fat doobies v. Unfiltered cigarillos  

Freeverse v. Lyrics

DIY repairs v. Takeout mending  

Self-service v. Delegate  

Wash n wear v. Laundry service  

Late night rock v. Early acoustic  

Take away street food v. Long patio lunches  

Midnight movies v. B&W documentaries / matinées

Healing: Notes to self (handwritten, various)

healing: when feeling blue… list
healing: i do… list
healing: trust self, float on, rest and calm
healing: conundrums…
healing: perceptive > transitional > within limits

(not sure) what the truth entails

though i am not sure what truth entails truthful which really occurred in the physical reality.  even if no one else witnessed the incident. truthful like something to believe in , something to dream something that i can hope for – though i haven’t an interest in the truth – abandon me to my illusions…

there  am driving a Plymouth Valiant with push button transmission – through decadent Richard’s street night, dreary bulbs, dreary faces i could run it all – run into the ground if the pavement would burst – yield with my pressure – the force of extraction the push of exertion breaking free until some truth is found – truth is i don’t fucking know what it is exactly that i want to find – want to do – want to be.  how to get there & how it looks and where it is * i don’t even care really i all want is for peace and thrill to coexist.

chaos and comfort simultaneously – seduction and elation – reckless and safe. my mercurial soul demands nothing less. how?

well it always just happens. a chance comes, i say ‘yes’. always yes .. “is it odd, dangerous or simple or confusing?” whichever, ‘yes, yes, yes, let’s go”  I’ve always said yes, every-time until … but am i a not rolling with the flow again? 

where is my manifest destiny? keep on climbing mountains, checking boxes, completing forms, chatting in new solar systems – always wide open to the outside – closed to the inside.  the world doesn’t get that bit of me – blahs in papers, anecdotes and interludes, yes – but the frantic sleepless stretches of self-doubt, confusion, confession, remorse, regret, these fade so quick when the mercury changes.  

i forget it all when i am able to clamber into my comfort trench … nothing interests me but when i can create, the rest of the time – i wander as caretaker of a carcass waiting for the practicalities of life to present a lapse in tension & an aligned moment where i can BE without trying.  those moments are everything and the only thing … how can i get there all the time?

to control the mental process, heart leading mind – everyday – all the day. i am not sure i care enough to find out cause it happens often as it is – but more more. only because i embrace chaos and thrive on random chance of happenstance.  always saying yes, let’s go go. but not now … and why is that that i stay i remain as i am?  where i be? behave, being just how it is? behaving? trying? struggling?  fighting the current? because this is the way I’ve always rolled. when the doors open, i rely on hunches on which to trespass.  

likely i am always wrong in logical hindsight but would i trade the experiences & random incidents for more peace? or the ability to find peace reliably?   to find the discipline to create when the circumstance dictated rather than wait, wait, struggle, pace, emotional disposal & effort to find fleeting moments of peace to make, create.  is this the moments i crave? are the creations more important than the peace? can i coexist without tempering the fire & spontaneity of what i make? is this the panacea or the pill?

Things i Seek &/or I enjoy: 1) quiet (i.e without humans, phones, cars – rivers OK); 2) rainy days with a view and nothing obligatory to do; 3) culture (new, odd, pleasant); 4) literature – still so much to read; 5) walking, strolling, hiking uphill