Tag Archives: healing journal

What i want… fully

I want to laugh so hard my face is going to fall off

I want to be hugged and squeezed so hard my ribs might break

I want to be told nice things so much that I blush

I don’t want jealousy or snideness or cynicism or snarkiness or sarcasm

I want kindness and creativity to/for me like I give to others

I want patience, like real honest patience, with no expectations that I will “do anything“ besides bathe and hydrate and rest

I want a safe place where I can spend hours fiddling with papers and pencils and scissors and glue

I want to wake up in the first thing I do is *not* feel pain

I want to lay down on the pillow and fall asleep without twitching and flipping and flopping for hours

I want a night without nightmares

I want to feel that feeling that people call optimism

I want to not think about dying (and relief it would bring) #NotSelfdestructive

I genuinely want people to enjoy the creations I make… and not just people I “know“… like strangers and people “in the wild“

I want respect for my contributions to humanity

I want to rest, like actual invigorating rest where you wake up refreshed

I want gentle adventure

I want to believe what I’m saying and telling other people

I want to cry for an actual reason – not just all the time

I want to nap where I actually fall asleep, not just laying there, staring at the ceiling

I want to be touched, gently

I want to believe in something

I want to be adored

I want to feel important (again)

I know many of these things are called actual true things“ already… But I want to actually legit “feel” them. Approximately 98% of my energy is sucked away by simply getting out of bed, bathing and hydrating and (sorta) pulling myself out of depression.

I am still,…

I am still, and here.

#wonder #grateful #healing #reinvention #quietish #freehugs

Declaration: upon waking up

I wrote this declaration upon waking up…

This past summer, after literally losing my mind, I decided to step into the abyss… Bravely, intrepidly and without compromise.

Holed up at a mountain cabin while chaos swirled around my lives, I listened to the message from records from decades ago, I hot boxed my beloved bus were so many happy memories happened, I reunited with charming characters from my past and even better, met their children who are adults (moreso than me anyway), then with a solid head of mushrooms and MDMA, this plan came to me.

On a psychedelic carpet, i clicked enough buttons on the Internet, to purchase an abstract variety of plane tickets to send me a round like a manic boardgame in search of a new flavour of truth and reality.

Salt Lake to Las Vegas to Pacifica to Chaing Mai and now to this anonymous city where I’m practically the only foreigner in a city mourning the death of their beloved King, I’m finding comfort and solace and healing.

In scant days, I will leave again into uncharted territory, beyond what science and reason says is capable of this haggard body but I refuse to except anything but finding some sense of joy.

I can live with pain I accept, but I cannot accept living without my brain and without my heart and soul. I am born to give, exist to share, and I am empty without those.

Without a safety net, without and emergency escape route, without language skills, without the strength to punch my way out of a wet paper bag, I have built a tiny universe and painted the walls just the colour I chose.

Who will return to the West Coast on December 6? what will I look like? Who will I be? I am indifferent to all of these questions as the destination is simply a byproduct of the journey.

The journey is me and I am the journey. Brick by brick, I will gently apply the mortar to rebuild, to renew, to replenish and regenerate from the very mitochondrial cells outwards.

What ever the result, it will be me.

Anything I can do to make your life better?

So how are you doing? Anything I can do to make your life better?

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Grateful, the world to see… #thanksgiving

May I continue? By the way, I don’t do the feasting part of Thanksgiving these days but I like being thankful for stuff.

I am thankful for art and the artists who create and inspire me and others by dedicating themselves honestly to elevating above craft into making things for the future

I’m grateful for music, especially played by diligent up-and-coming bands who often become friends (I love being your fan), especially all the people over the years who said “dude you got to have my cassette and/or CD) I’ve captured and collected your efforts in a shoebox.

I’m grateful for the trains that still exist in the World to slowly rolled me to elsewhere and that the idea of travelling open oceans is in a state room in a freighter still exists.

I’m thankful for the 100 or so practicum students from all over the world I had the privilege of mentoring through many jobs, to help launch their dreams, careers, travelling, creation etc.– you “young folk” </ Old man voice> catch too much crap from crusty old bastards but I am 100% in belief that you will change the world for the better.

I am thankful for the few other people in the world who still send postal mail with thank you letters with interesting and heartfelt stories.

I am thankful I wasn’t too much of a jerk throughout my life or this healing journey would be super lonely. Along with this, I’m thankful I did all of those talks (mostly for free) to all sorts of groups (not just bigshot gigs) as I met so many lovely people who still send me messages despite perhaps barely meeting me in real life.

I’m grateful and thankful I visited my beloved old Volkswagen bus (hot boxed of course… It’s a sauna) and thankful that I documented and organized and stored so many artefacts from my previous life as they colour who I am today. Noteworthy especially is that killer stash of records unearth of late. Also, I have every letter any of you ever wrote to me, organized, sorted and stored.

I’m thankful for having folks and friends scattered all over the world who make my life more diverse, colourful and interesting — you give me sparks and dreams of adventures — virtual and/or meat space.

i’m super wanna be over…

i’m super wanna be over with this disability in general, but especially done with the fucking paperwork that endlessly comes along.

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PS I really hate it when I say anything about this publicly because I hate being a downer but, it’s truthfully not just the paperwork (of course) that’s just one other thing that piled on top of all the insomnia and muscle spasms and pain and confusion and brain fog.

Now that I’ve been prescription med free for over a year, I have more brain, but also more pain.

And in my somewhat bullshit “journey towards acceptance”, I’m trying not to be so coy and vague and take all this on myself. Truthfully it’s more than I can handle.

Just thanks to you each for listening and still caring about this broke down old dude.

I had a few super great days, the best I’ve had in sometime but then the inevitable crash happens and payback is a fucking bitch.

#Spoonies

Healing notes from a waiting room

#Grateful to the folks who pick me up when I’m feeling down. Got some good support at brain injury society Victoria yesterday.

In a fog.

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Also, a plumber came to fix garburetor and ended up giving me some sweet OG Kush buds. Any wonder why Im called “uncle weed? #medicine

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Waiting for my medical appointment… & Wilco + Billy Bragg singing Woody Guthrie’s California stars comes on #littlewins

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Heading into medical appointment now which concludes today’s social media broadcasts from your belauguered pal daveo

Carry on etc

Healing: Notes to self (handwritten, various)

healing: when feeling blue… list
healing: i do… list
healing: trust self, float on, rest and calm
healing: conundrums…
healing: perceptive > transitional > within limits

Syndrome Roster (for the record…)

Syndrome Roster ~~ it’s like a game! But not really fun

  • FM
  • CSS
  • ME/CFS
  • RLS
  • GAD
  • IBS
  • ++ Occasional vertigo & resultant head trauma

Results in:
* Constant pain at various pressure points
* Muscle spasms and twitching * * Radically changing heart rate
* Sweats and chills
* Extreme muscle tightness
* Muscle adhesions at various established pressure points
* Ridiculously challenging insomnia
* Troubles digesting & and errrr… Discharging
* Constant weariness and fatigue
* Brain fog and confusion and memory loss (including missing months)
* Frequent panic and anxiety attacks
* Occasional falling down on my face randomly
* Emotional confusion between some bursts of elation followed by long troughs of depression
* Overstimulation in any kind of noisy, hectic and disorganized chaotic varmint
* Fading eyes which can barely read
* Reduced fine motor skills mean I can barely type #Dictation

This is the overview for those who are asking. As you might suspect it doesn’t thrill me to discuss this but I’m learning to accept the situation but with a fighting spirit. I sure as fuck didn’t ask for it and, second-guessing life decisions including working so hard so close after surgeries, is a waste of my time and energy.

Benefits include:
* Learning who my friends are
* Increased empathy and compassion
* Learning pacing and retain
* Learning to say no
* Getting over the fear of missing out
* Extending my love of hot springs & baths
* Toughening myself by tapering off myriad prescription drugs which were aenetisizinag my brain and body. Now I feel pain but I also get to use my brain — as jalopy as it is — this means dealing with six months very difficult with all resultant symptoms which I won’t bore you with their unseemliness

That’s your report, I’m not taking questions and not expecting comments and I gracefully forbid any fucking sympathy. Send that to the people in Nepal Syria or affected by crazy wildfires — in fact, don’t send them sympathy send them help of some kind.

Thanks to those of you for sticking with me, I love your little notes and especially when you enjoy some content made in my past. I ain’t dead yet and got miles to go before I rest I’m kicking at the darkness tell it bleeds daylight.

To those of you who are bored of me and/or have unsolicited opinions & miracle cures, send them to someone else and I’ll remember when you need a kind word. No grudges but seriously save it.

These remarks were inspired by women in my support group who are twice is tough and three times as wise as I am. I have strong sister mentors to whom I am very grateful but I won’t do them and dignity of naming them here because they don’t need that either. But they do need pictures of bunnies. XO UW

Open all the doors (and see reflections)

The Santeria god/ess of doors, windows, pathways & corridors opens destinations & closes pitfalls as needed