Tag Archives: illness

Thunderstorms in the Crash Years – Postcard #75

Pod cover - postcards from gravelly beach - thunderstorms in crash years

Amidst a thunderstorm at 4AM in Chiang Mai, Dave discusses – with excessive frankness and emotion – various medical conundrums (Fibromyalgia and CFS-ME) and details the physical feelings of “crash mode” as well as the mental strain in dealing with self de-identification and inter-personal relationships, confusion in seeking help, and various alternative treatments. No sympathy or advice requested.

Always be kind for: Thunder in the Crash Years – Postcard #75
(75MB, 37:09, mp3, stereo)

Continue reading Thunderstorms in the Crash Years – Postcard #75

Dog days of healing…

Sure don’t enjoy talking about, or even acknowledging cause feels like i’m conceding power & spreading sadness, but… fck me, the fibro + me/cfs etc really got me achey bleary today. I’ll be alright, just saying here rather than hollering out-loud and weirding folks out.

#puppy #sadeyes #cuddles

Medications versus Gurus

Muscles atrophy
And nerve endings are tingling
Do you attempt to ignore,
When facing reality?

Pain owns you
No matter your positivity
Medications and Gurus
Are temporary
And you are left alone

Parents gone, love faded, friends confused, and all unintendedly wrong

Return’d

you ask me why i want to return
you say those exact words
you know it’s different now
and not sure it works

yeah i understand the notion
my old world’s moved on
like the cast of a tv sitcom
changing colonels for captains

the answer is simple
if you’d pause for empathy
the work or tribes
not the point

it’s what return means for
coming back i’ll tell you
simply indicates i’m stronger
healed enough to leave home

can ride the pony longer
almost long 4 years now
sure wasn’t perfect before
stuck in a deep foggy haze

i just need something more
more than doctors appointments
and bus rides, injections and pills
endured too many therapists and quackery

mistaken strangers for best friends
i’ve lost too much than i can count
parents, loves and pals
self-esteem and a paycheque

though to you it looks so easy

Of logistics and papers of health conundrums…


Hey Pals, remember a week or so ago when I was feeling so blue and grousing about all this paperwork and the anxiety and the stress it causes…?

Well after a mighty effort yesterday, everything is packaged into four envelopes to mail to various government offices, doctors, insurance companies and so on.

But I’ll tell you, it was no fun emotionally or mentally as i listed all the different doctors, treatments, modalities and so on for the past three years. And the net result is of no benefit to me as they simply take out the Canada pension plan disability pymt from my private insurance disability payment (Which, don’t get me wrong I’m incredibly grateful to receive otherwise I would be living in a tarpaper shack by now).

Telling you this as a “victory lap” since I didn’t go out to celebrate with pints and joints till 4:20 AM (instead took a long hot bath with Japanese bath salts, three kinds of soap and some nice tunes in a dark bathroom) 

Plus telling you this so I can let you know I truly appreciate each of you for acknowledging me when I’m losing my shit, offering to help, letting me know that you care and that I’m not invisible.

I know I’m not a real peach to be around these days and as much as I try to be positive and optimistic, there is no mental strength I have to stop wondering “what if?”…

I’ve gotten closer to acceptance in that I accept that I will never be the guy I used to be, and progress will be slow but there is more out there for me to do. 

My revolutions are now much more gentle and usually done from the comfort of a bed.

But truly, thanks, I often regret sharing this shit with all of you since everyone has lives and responsibilities and expectations and problems but, it’s what I know how to do.

Did I mention thanks and that I adore you?

I’ll add a photo of something as people seem to enjoy those :-) and now that I’m done, perhaps I’ll share a new batch of music for your ears soon to overwhelm all the negativity, violence and politics and religion and nonsense in the world.

Occasionally, Dave

Riding bus bound for appt…

Riding bus bound for appt w/ holistic nutritionalist to learn more about anti-inflam food & thwarting leaky gut #healing #Grateful #sickofit

after spending so much time in Drs office…

In other news, after spending so much time in Drs office + labs etc, I’ve finally started answering to David rather than insisting on Dave.

Notes about erstwhile healing cycles and conundrums

It’s a super fucked up (and even vicious) cycle.

It goes like this:

  • Start feeling a wee bit better
  • Get vaguely happy & optimistic
  • Begin scheduling coffee dates, chitchats and thinking about future plans
  • Go for walks, write postcards, make scrapbooks, meditate, sign up for tai chi class etc.
  • Somehow, amongst all these good healthy lifestyle growing healing activities, you managed to do too much and crash
  • Spin & struggle for days – which often turn into weeks – trying to regain some sense of equilibrium and strength and brainpower
  • This is difficult so you spend more time meditating, taking hot baths, buying more supplements, more medical appointments, more reading literature about these conditions….
  • Then you feel lousy because you’ve had to cancel appointment, haven’t contributed anything meaningful to the human conversation for days, haven’t mail postcards, I haven’t written a damn poem or a story or crafted nothing…
  • Wonder what it is like to sleep… Consider extreme measures… Realize you’ve tried all extreme measures… Flip and flop and twist and turn and get up and walk around and stretch and all of a sudden it’s 5 AM and you haven’t slept again
  • Have a long cry, a long hot bath and try to shake out the negativity which comes from not “doing anything” because you remember that doing isn’t important it’s “being” but still you’re frustrated because just getting out of the apartment takes a Herculean effort
  • Wonder what’s next and hope folks are patient with the shit you’re going through, question your own relevancy moving forward.

Way too many hospitals…

From the “in the whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger” file… Is this year over with yet? Way too many hospitals for my liking.

When I’m feeling blue, I try to lively up…

When I’m feeling blue, I try to lively up by spreading a barrage of happy comments around the Internet. I think of these as tasty morsels of digital dim sum.

With my life stuck in low gear, I revel in the successes and creations of my friends.

With low gear, I should be able to climb mountains (metaphorically of course) but so far, I haven’t even made it out of bed.

Also, when I’m blue… I daydream of idyllic road trips in a bus, growing my beard and singing songs with friends.

#Grateful #chilling #Healing #friends