Amidst a thunderstorm at 4AM in Chiang Mai, Dave discusses – with excessive frankness and emotion – various medical conundrums (Fibromyalgia and CFS-ME) and details the physical feelings of “crash mode” as well as the mental strain in dealing with self de-identification and inter-personal relationships, confusion in seeking help, and various alternative treatments. No sympathy or advice requested.
Hey Pals, remember a week or so ago when I was feeling so blue and grousing about all this paperwork and the anxiety and the stress it causes…?
Well after a mighty effort yesterday, everything is packaged into four envelopes to mail to various government offices, doctors, insurance companies and so on.
But I’ll tell you, it was no fun emotionally or mentally as i listed all the different doctors, treatments, modalities and so on for the past three years. And the net result is of no benefit to me as they simply take out the Canada pension plan disability pymt from my private insurance disability payment (Which, don’t get me wrong I’m incredibly grateful to receive otherwise I would be living in a tarpaper shack by now).
Telling you this as a “victory lap” since I didn’t go out to celebrate with pints and joints till 4:20 AM (instead took a long hot bath with Japanese bath salts, three kinds of soap and some nice tunes in a dark bathroom)
Plus telling you this so I can let you know I truly appreciate each of you for acknowledging me when I’m losing my shit, offering to help, letting me know that you care and that I’m not invisible.
I know I’m not a real peach to be around these days and as much as I try to be positive and optimistic, there is no mental strength I have to stop wondering “what if?”…
I’ve gotten closer to acceptance in that I accept that I will never be the guy I used to be, and progress will be slow but there is more out there for me to do.
My revolutions are now much more gentle and usually done from the comfort of a bed.
But truly, thanks, I often regret sharing this shit with all of you since everyone has lives and responsibilities and expectations and problems but, it’s what I know how to do.
Did I mention thanks and that I adore you?
I’ll add a photo of something as people seem to enjoy those :-) and now that I’m done, perhaps I’ll share a new batch of music for your ears soon to overwhelm all the negativity, violence and politics and religion and nonsense in the world.