Black Ice Issue #8 — Hockey Night On Main & Cordova

My line of logic followed as such. Since I am recently single I enjoy new freedoms in the time department as well as in the ethics department. More time to watch hockey and more freedom to watch it anywhere I like. The obvious choice for pay-per-view this Sunday — The No.5 Orange — Vancouver’s premium venue for burgers and exotic dancers.

There are a few things to look out for when watching hockey at a strip joint. The first is that sports, while always close to a man’s heart, consistently plays second fiddle to sex.

In the case of Sunday afternoon’s match-up with the Chicago Blackhawks — newly coached by Joel Quenneville — management at The Five are willing to put the game on only between regular dance numbers by their revolving cast of beauties. Usually I prefer to watch the game, start to finish, without any distractions but tonight — with the Canuck-suck in full pulsating rhythm I opted for distraction. Literally, every time I turned my head in disgust from the game, a cadre of ample ladies where there to sugarcoat the teams bitter effort. This was such a great idea — I kept telling myself — for more reasons than one.

And the game? Well, it was another one sided effort in the Windy City. Even the recently vaunted third unit of Burrows, Kesler and Hansen didn’t do much to salvage this miserable. The penalty kill is at an all-time, Vigneault era, low. The power play, ranked first in the pre-season, has sunk to twenty-ninth in the league narrowly edging out Anaheim (off all bloody terrible teams this season). So there you have the special teams.
And beyond special teams.

How about good old-fashioned teamwork. The spark, so evident during character building wins in Calgary and Detroit, was flagrantly absent Sunday night in Chicago. Where was the scoring by committee? Three assists from Henrik in four games and no points from Daniel. Another lackluster effort by a lackluster second line made worse by injuries to Pavol Demitra (no to mention Rypien, Salo and Hordichuk.) Where was the defensive specialists? Willie Mitchell seemed too slow and too old to handle his much younger and faster assignments. Alex Edler looked like a regular ‘ol rookie in his efforts to convert off the rush. And where was Luongo? The charge has been historically he’s not a strong starter. Forgive me if I sound cynical, but your job, as Captain and highest paid player is to lead by example. That means being the best player on the ice all season long.

When the best player on the ice is Ryan Johnson I start thinking more and more about getting a lap dances.

Appears I came to the right place.

Next Up — Columbus

Whatcha think?