Hey Pals, remember a week or so ago when I was feeling so blue and grousing about all this paperwork and the anxiety and the stress it causes…?
Well after a mighty effort yesterday, everything is packaged into four envelopes to mail to various government offices, doctors, insurance companies and so on.
But I’ll tell you, it was no fun emotionally or mentally as i listed all the different doctors, treatments, modalities and so on for the past three years. And the net result is of no benefit to me as they simply take out the Canada pension plan disability pymt from my private insurance disability payment (Which, don’t get me wrong I’m incredibly grateful to receive otherwise I would be living in a tarpaper shack by now).
Telling you this as a “victory lap” since I didn’t go out to celebrate with pints and joints till 4:20 AM (instead took a long hot bath with Japanese bath salts, three kinds of soap and some nice tunes in a dark bathroom)
Plus telling you this so I can let you know I truly appreciate each of you for acknowledging me when I’m losing my shit, offering to help, letting me know that you care and that I’m not invisible.
I know I’m not a real peach to be around these days and as much as I try to be positive and optimistic, there is no mental strength I have to stop wondering “what if?”…
I’ve gotten closer to acceptance in that I accept that I will never be the guy I used to be, and progress will be slow but there is more out there for me to do.
My revolutions are now much more gentle and usually done from the comfort of a bed.
But truly, thanks, I often regret sharing this shit with all of you since everyone has lives and responsibilities and expectations and problems but, it’s what I know how to do.
Did I mention thanks and that I adore you?
I’ll add a photo of something as people seem to enjoy those :-) and now that I’m done, perhaps I’ll share a new batch of music for your ears soon to overwhelm all the negativity, violence and politics and religion and nonsense in the world.
i’m super wanna be over with this disability in general, but especially done with the fucking paperwork that endlessly comes along.
PS I really hate it when I say anything about this publicly because I hate being a downer but, it’s truthfully not just the paperwork (of course) that’s just one other thing that piled on top of all the insomnia and muscle spasms and pain and confusion and brain fog.
Now that I’ve been prescription med free for over a year, I have more brain, but also more pain.
And in my somewhat bullshit “journey towards acceptance”, I’m trying not to be so coy and vague and take all this on myself. Truthfully it’s more than I can handle.
Just thanks to you each for listening and still caring about this broke down old dude.
I had a few super great days, the best I’ve had in sometime but then the inevitable crash happens and payback is a fucking bitch.
Is ones social media broadcast a script we write to tell the story of the life we want to believe we live?
Truth is that i totally do this. While i advocate radical transparency, my life became weird that past couple years and i use social channels differently. I share what i want my life to be (happiness and adventure) to help thwart the struggles.
Complaining or even talking about my situation (FM/ME, CFS, RLS, CSS…) is super boring to me, i post when i need to feel connected to the outside world by sharing happiness and exclamation points (!) … im not be obscure, i am using channels as a latent sorta support group to generate dopamine hits.