Tag Archives: pain

Medications versus Gurus

Muscles atrophy
And nerve endings are tingling
Do you attempt to ignore,
When facing reality?

Pain owns you
No matter your positivity
Medications and Gurus
Are temporary
And you are left alone

Parents gone, loves faded, friends confused, and un-intendedly wrong

Memento: Pacific Blue – Drum Corps Parade, Bridgeview, circa 1984

Who doesn’t love a parade? The folks in Bridgeview (Surrey, BC) that who.

Ya see… once upon a time, me and some of my finest friends played in a “drum and bugle corps” – no it’s not like a marching band, marching bands are for dorks, drum corps is for musicians :-)

Anyway, in a sorta-political quest to gain favour to build a new bingo hall in Bridgeview, we did a parade in that section of Surrey, also known as “Turf City” at the foot of the dangerously sloppy Pattulo bridge.

People were not on the street and actually came out of their houses to yell at us for waking them up. But that wasn’t near the pain that I felt from trying to carry that marimba with the sh!tty harness and march in step with my bow-legged, duck-footed legs.

Noteworthy in the snapshot is my pal Brad and our two instructors Bill and Rob. Those guys seem to enjoy us giving them tons of shit which we were fantastic at. And they taught us a ton about drumming, travelling and life.  More to say about those topics but the road and tour were better suited for me than hauling instrument through a crappy neighbourhood.

Did I mention thanks and that I adore you? #paperwork #blues

Hey Pals, remember a week or so ago when I was feeling so blue and grousing about all this paperwork and the anxiety and the stress it causes…?

Well after a mighty effort yesterday, everything is packaged into four envelopes to mail to various government offices, doctors, insurance companies and so on.

But I’ll tell you, it was no fun emotionally or mentally as i listed all the different doctors, treatments, modalities and so on for the past three years. And the net result is of no benefit to me as they simply take out the Canada pension plan disability pymt from my private insurance disability payment (Which, don’t get me wrong I’m incredibly grateful to receive otherwise I would be living in a tarpaper shack by now).

Telling you this as a “victory lap” since I didn’t go out to celebrate with pints and joints till 4:20 AM (instead took a long hot bath with Japanese bath salts, three kinds of soap and some nice tunes in a dark bathroom)

Plus telling you this so I can let you know I truly appreciate each of you for acknowledging me when I’m losing my shit, offering to help, letting me know that you care and that I’m not invisible.

I know I’m not a real peach to be around these days and as much as I try to be positive and optimistic, there is no mental strength I have to stop wondering “what if?”…

I’ve gotten closer to acceptance in that I accept that I will never be the guy I used to be, and progress will be slow but there is more out there for me to do.

My revolutions are now much more gentle and usually done from the comfort of a bed.

But truly, thanks, I often regret sharing this shit with all of you since everyone has lives and responsibilities and expectations and problems but, it’s what I know how to do.

Did I mention thanks and that I adore you?

I’ll add a photo of something as people seem to enjoy those  and now that I’m done, perhaps I’ll share a new batch of music for your ears soon to overwhelm all the negativity, violence and politics and religion and nonsense in the world.

Occasionally, Dave

Canada needs a tropical province…

I really think Canada needs a tropical province or a relationship with a tropical republic, or possibly a “special relationship” with a former commonwealth country like Belize. Can we adopt?

Think of all the money which goes from Canada to Mexico or the southern United States each year. Could be put to better use and help an emerging country find its feet.

And no, I am not talking about “colonies” which the US often calls territories or protectorates including Puerto Rico, Guam, Northern Mariana islands, American Samoa… These folks get to vote for Congress person but their Congress person does not get to vote in Congress. How is this acceptable? #Digression

My reasons are somewhat selfish and not with my current health and syndromes, cold rainy weather sucks and running away to warmer foreign countries causes contention with various agencies and so on…

Annotations: 

Neal Cropper The Turks Caicos islands have asked to be annexed by Canada on the past I believe.

Dave: Read the article and video and wow, like no information except naysaying. and “oh we’ll have to ask the queeen to surrender her asset” ?? wtf is this still colonial times? and John Baird dismissing it out of hand prob because he’s not a paid consultant for T&C. This needs proper consideration and discourse, not dismissal out of hand. The money alone which is leaked to US/Mexico is ridiculous. And this doesn’t have to be a province or territory per se, more like a “common law” relationship, than a marriage.

The bluer i feel…

Note: The bluer i feel, the more exclamation points i use. A coping mechanism to manifest some level of excitement on tough days. #healing!

imma so tuff…

Finishing off week of medical appointments with session of Trigger Point Injection – Gud ting imma so tuff, i bend dem needles mon #respect

…filled with affection on the inside

Covered with bruises on the outside, filled with affection on the inside.

sick of it all…

I’m alive, I’m wearing pants, walking to doctors and other appointments. Trying. But admittedly, sick of it all.

 

Vaguely surfacing…

Today, I attempt to vaguely surface from the painful fog of a feverish week. Next steps are difficult. Slowly slowly rebuild and regroup.

I’m as weak as a kitten and must be gentle and patient with myself. Kindly remind me. Sipping diluted apple juice, saltines. This isn’t new.

Since I was a wee babe, dehydration, fevers, and gastro conundrums have confounded me and doctors. There is no diagnosis, just incidents.

The list has grown long: vague memories in Germany alone, Guam’s hospital, Eugene, Mexico with glass IV so many nights writhing. Holding on.

The list of doctors and specialists and tests and scans and samples and processes and surgeries and examinations and medications is lengthy.

Each time, my physical elastic is stretched and dries a little bit more and snapping back to form is more challenging and less satisfying.

I loathe the days lost, heart lost, confidence lost – the experience is painful but the bits I miss might hurt even more. I feel apologetic.

I thrive on enjoying things with others & loathe to see people worry or spread spend precious energy tending to me. Though they don’t mind.

In the feverish flashbacks, I lose track of what was real and what was imagined and which happened before. Did we have that conversation?

My escape: to breathe vicariously through you. Your graduation, your running for mayor, your band’s on tour, you’ve taken a train trip.

For all my adventures, travels, and hijinks, one doubt always nags the back of my head: will I physically collapse for reasons unbeknownst?

Indeed conditions of the erstwhile gastrointestinal tract are not the greatest malady to affect we delicate humans but, i wasn’t asked.

Aside from the opportunity cost of the events I miss, the lost creativity, & distress upon others, I struggle with the blues of being weak.

The next steps never get easy: letting go of the lost past, writing off precious days, and trying to simply stand & remember importantness.

Important: creating stories, sharing with others, reminding people they are loved, letting people go, helping people flourish. Helping me.

My mind and my soul is where my attention goes. My body is a vehicle and, like my beloved VW bus, not always reliable- yet I tend diligently.

Almost 43 years old, I’m an assembly line of careful creation – this is what I live for. I want to do so much more, I have an endless supply.

Yes, I’ve adjusted lifestyles, foods, routines, herbal teas, magic formulas, endless acupuncture, and avoiding toxins & fried foods. Bored.

I even try to “slowdown” but I’m not sure what people do when they “slowdown” – Do they not know the world is waiting for them? Clock ticks.

I have two speeds: quite fast or almost stopped. I go go go because I like to & don’t want to miss life. Sleep has never come easily to me.

Now, here in bed remembering hospitals and clinics, tents & tears, machines whirring, ceiling fans spinning, convulsions and concerns, I try.

But slowing down and taking care of myself doesn’t really seem to make a difference. Is my physiology weak? If so, there’s nothing I can do.

Slowing down means doing less. This sounds very pleasant by some readings but in others, limits what I give. Shall I start to say “no”? No.

Giving my creations, my energy, my enthusiasm, my knowledge is the manna which fortifies me through the high times and the lowest. Makes me.

Shall i be more selective? But I love each chance to share! Shall I expect to receive more for what I give? That’s not my reason for giving.

PS Used to be my social posting barrages came from bus rides but now, from doctors offices #Waiting #healing #Grateful Just so you know…