Another *notable* one gone (you can tell when the reason/cause/method isn’t listed but conjecture abounds and the same cliches surface).
Compelled to add (into the oblivion):
Gosh, sometimes brain and heart and soul get all tangled up & so bery blue / + all the blabs about “reaching out for help” (as though resources are easy & abundant when in crisis) & then crappy meds touted as cure, or bromides about “tortured artist finding peace” are bruising :(
Compassion, empathy, assistance, acceptance for all the human travelers… especially those struggling at anytime, in any of so many ways.
So many lost along the way each day // could’ve been me – so glad not you.
My heart aches for so many so many so many…
Find a pathway.
And then thought (clearly unwisely as these sorts of trips into translucency rarely end well) to *not be cagey* and share a bit of my story, such as it is.
Thus, dug into the secret locked journals with transcriptions from scribbled notebooks and only giving a tiny slice (too much hurts too much to remember and would hurt others to read) and not like anyone’s lining up to read, except you, right?
Checked myself into Royal Jubilee
Alas majesty not on duty
So a shivering white v neck
grab backpack and run
{snipp'd}
To a taxi
Into the night
Ferry on a quiet room
To a safe house
A mystic tincture
then a hall which smelled like soup
And a well made bed
Kindness in Royal Albert
No matter though
I was escaped
I thought
Drift away from your fangs
Your rants and burns
Your distaste for happiness
Your hostage knot
I scarred my heart and
Served on a charcuterie platter
Made from madrona wood
Between salami and prosciutto
Ignore my hints
A call left for recompense
Said “oh nothing but…”
Still I feel irrelevant
Now disappeared,
malcontent and pretend
To be indifferent
{snip}
A shadow reconstituted by
Solitude and time
No address to ??
Just uniforms without authority
But a few land laughs
and a misdirection
is all I could ask
Above prob 2015/6
Well since i’m here, comes a narrative to *someone* about a rough night / week/ month {maybe so *you* know its not just you etc and also the system of care is broken, not you (no, telephone helplines are not the solution albeit well-intentioned, i guess #shrug)
Yes I have, it was a terrible experience… I was shaking and crying for days and begging for help from doctors who didn’t really seem to care.
I self admitted myself to an energency psychiatric ward (with help from a brain injury clinic) and honestly, was treated terribly because I wasn’t either ideating suicide plans, or wasn’t a street drug “junkie“ although I was with withdrawing from prescription meds (benzos, opiates, ssris_.
They treated me like they werent serious about my needs. Was terribly demeaning and embarrassing.
I cried and shook and they just told me to “calm down“ and wait… I was there for over six hours in a cold the waiting room, with no headphones/earplugs, bright lights, and a TV playing news.
I finally demanded to leave at 11:30 PM when they were going to make me sleep in the waiting room… they tried to keep me. They said odd things.
Then was released in shorts and a sweat soaked v-neck undershirt and sandals into the night, no transport, no safe place, completely manic and wild beast.
I somehow pulled myself together to get on a ferry (I was living on an island) and go to a friends house where I “hid out” for days.
When I finally went back home, {snip} was the worst month of my life [ed note: up to then] lousy birthday as well #heh
and a bit of a letter from (early 2018), don’t make me regret sharing this:
The wistful look in my eye you mentioned I think it’s just me trying to look happy because honestly I’m terribly depressed. Every day I am in terrible pain and I’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars trying to improve and nothing seems to help and I feel like I am stuck with this illness for the rest of my life and every day I will wake up in pain and I will go to bed in pain. And all the dreams of everything I wanted to do, been a fun and happy person, making creative projects, it’s all basically not possible anymore for me. My life is now just trying to get through each day without completely falling apart. I cry all the time, I never sleep well, and I have very little hope for any improvement. I’m sorry to tell you this bluntly but since you notice the look in my eyes, I thought I would just say it so you know what I’m dealing with. I try to smile and laugh out loud because some psychologists say helps to create new neural pathways to feel joy. Yes I hate to let other people see how sad I am because then the burden themselves with my troubles. It’s one of the reasons I am better to live far away so people don’t see me suffer.
oh geez, again with the pain, just so you know its not just you lost confused and in pain, date unknown, maybe 2017?
I don’t want to be medicated but I also realize my moods are all over the fucking map and meditation alone isn’t helping. I struggle with it in general And feel there must be some sort of physical marker or explanation for all of this even though all conventional wisdom says there isn’t. Yes I go down the snake hole about this. But what else am I supposed to do? Sit around the house and live like an old man doing three hours of activity a day and spending the rest of the time in bed? Because that seems to be the other option. And frankly I’m sick of all the self-help problem about “the best you can do is the best you can do” and all of this… Shit needs done, I want to live life with some expectation I’m at improvement and happiness. I also realize I’ve been through hell and back the last four years and just need some calm but that seems to be fucking impossible when every night I go to bed in pain, wake up exhausted and drift through the day like a zombie.
this was all may be a terrible idea, I found so much more from the diaries and journals, I read too much of the letters during the really dark times… The dark time still come back, but my life is most every measurable way is wonderful yet the demons are still lingering and ready to pounce. Recently festering.
Somehow *it* (the safety, calm, love) happened. Did I manifest? Would be powerful to think, yet somehow, the goodness all just came together. Peace to all of us. Each Day.
