Preamble: You’re “supposed to talk about “these things“ so I am but putting it here where no one will notice since I’m kind of sick of all the “social channels” or bored or annoyed or frustrated by squandering potential and watching the knuckleheads use all the oxygen. I’m not giving up in a big way, just in several small ways.
I knew it was coming – coming back from the #BcInvasion trip, three weeks now, just feeling discombobulated // knew would be physically exhausted but emotionally and mentally just can’t seem to get my head together…
Adrenals depleted, cortisol, is a very high or very low? Serotonin and dopamine trying to regenerate. Pineal gland wondering what it does anymore. 
Neural pathways coming back online, spine discs trying to slip it back in place, signal switching, which once sparked a long curvaceous route, now getting used to expressways from toes to knees to spine to shoulders and then shooting pain up through that misaligned cervical roadblock like a pebble in the boot walking out Timpanogos for 34 years since Jerome Idaho 1988, Christmas Eve.
Anyhow, the sting behind my eyes, the dull pain when i try to move or think, the brain frankly going very dark and very blue and danger-esque – and coupled with so much sad news far out of my control (so many RiP), senses of loss that I thought I’d worked through but I guess haven’t, anyway, it’s been a bit too much – so I retreat.
It’s hardly the first time, ha! it’s a on-going series of existential crisis and brain hi-jacking from lack of deep rest, increase in stress, atmospheric issues etc.
I “retreat” to the things I know how to do within the brain crash fog and which benefit my self-care and my precious darling duo: wash and fold laundry, make tea and rice, ensure mosquito net in place, and even sometimes try to manage the compost. Oh yeah, a hot bath for everyone (despite 38°+ days)!
Then step-up to bus rides to treatments (ivs & seitai) and then level-up to postcards at coffee shops.
I also gracefully remember unlike so many of my fellow #MECFS fellow travelers, I’m now getting out of bed most every day(!) I am finding bits of physical strength returning by resparking the cellular ATP process to re/build mitochondria – I carried some bricks, some trees. Sweating in a *not just peeling an orange” way. Not gentle walks, :15 of exertion then we sever.
Now, a few lap projects which I love doing in moments of quiet in the house with hemp cloth, needle and thread or drumkit, screw thread loc-tite and pliers, or bricks, charcoal and cast-iron. Improving the campsite!
[The above diary was recorded June 19, today is July 17 – post backdated to kind of hide it – I’m making steps: I receive some wonderful things in the post, some disappointing news at the hospital but also some positive referrals and new efficient systems in place, a few phone calls from elusive friends, well placed emails with snapshots of children on adventures, tomorrow will eat a watermelon, so we go on]