Tag Archives: doctors

What i want… fully

I want to laugh so hard my face is going to fall off

I want to be hugged and squeezed so hard my ribs might break

I want to be told nice things so much that I blush

I don’t want jealousy or snideness or cynicism or snarkiness or sarcasm

I want kindness and creativity to/for me like I give to others

I want patience, like real honest patience, with no expectations that I will “do anything“ besides bathe and hydrate and rest

I want a safe place where I can spend hours fiddling with papers and pencils and scissors and glue

I want to wake up in the first thing I do is *not* feel pain

I want to lay down on the pillow and fall asleep without twitching and flipping and flopping for hours

I want a night without nightmares

I want to feel that feeling that people call optimism

I want to not think about dying (and relief it would bring) #NotSelfdestructive

I genuinely want people to enjoy the creations I make… and not just people I “know“… like strangers and people “in the wild“

I want respect for my contributions to humanity

I want to rest, like actual invigorating rest where you wake up refreshed

I want gentle adventure

I want to believe what I’m saying and telling other people

I want to cry for an actual reason – not just all the time

I want to nap where I actually fall asleep, not just laying there, staring at the ceiling

I want to be touched, gently

I want to believe in something

I want to be adored

I want to feel important (again)

I know many of these things are called actual true things“ already… But I want to actually legit “feel” them. Approximately 98% of my energy is sucked away by simply getting out of bed, bathing and hydrating and (sorta) pulling myself out of depression.

Grateful: International Women’s Day

 
A fond salute of admiration to exceptional, compassionate, empathetic and skilled medical professionals who have helped me along on this healing journey. Admiration for their tenacity in training, professionalism in practice, and kindness and patience shown to this ole brokedown poet. #respect

I won’t count the hours…

I won’t count the hours

The appointments

The bus rides

The taxis

The rescheduling

The referrals

The same lab tests

Again and again

The eye rolls

Knowledge leads to anger

Health revelation and reinvention

Medications versus Gurus

Muscles atrophy
And nerve endings are tingling
Do you attempt to ignore,
When facing reality?

Pain owns you
No matter your positivity
Medications and Gurus
Are temporary
And you are left alone

Parents gone, loves faded, friends confused, and un-intendedly wrong

Healing notes from a waiting room

#Grateful to the folks who pick me up when I’m feeling down. Got some good support at brain injury society Victoria yesterday.

In a fog.

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Also, a plumber came to fix garburetor and ended up giving me some sweet OG Kush buds. Any wonder why Im called “uncle weed? #medicine

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Waiting for my medical appointment… & Wilco + Billy Bragg singing Woody Guthrie’s California stars comes on #littlewins

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Heading into medical appointment now which concludes today’s social media broadcasts from your belauguered pal daveo

Carry on etc

Syndrome Roster (for the record…)

Syndrome Roster ~~ it’s like a game! But not really fun

  • FM
  • CSS
  • ME/CFS
  • RLS
  • GAD
  • IBS
  • ++ Occasional vertigo & resultant head trauma

Results in:
* Constant pain at various pressure points
* Muscle spasms and twitching * * Radically changing heart rate
* Sweats and chills
* Extreme muscle tightness
* Muscle adhesions at various established pressure points
* Ridiculously challenging insomnia
* Troubles digesting & and errrr… Discharging
* Constant weariness and fatigue
* Brain fog and confusion and memory loss (including missing months)
* Frequent panic and anxiety attacks
* Occasional falling down on my face randomly
* Emotional confusion between some bursts of elation followed by long troughs of depression
* Overstimulation in any kind of noisy, hectic and disorganized chaotic varmint
* Fading eyes which can barely read
* Reduced fine motor skills mean I can barely type #Dictation

This is the overview for those who are asking. As you might suspect it doesn’t thrill me to discuss this but I’m learning to accept the situation but with a fighting spirit. I sure as fuck didn’t ask for it and, second-guessing life decisions including working so hard so close after surgeries, is a waste of my time and energy.

Benefits include:
* Learning who my friends are
* Increased empathy and compassion
* Learning pacing and retain
* Learning to say no
* Getting over the fear of missing out
* Extending my love of hot springs & baths
* Toughening myself by tapering off myriad prescription drugs which were aenetisizinag my brain and body. Now I feel pain but I also get to use my brain — as jalopy as it is — this means dealing with six months very difficult with all resultant symptoms which I won’t bore you with their unseemliness

That’s your report, I’m not taking questions and not expecting comments and I gracefully forbid any fucking sympathy. Send that to the people in Nepal Syria or affected by crazy wildfires — in fact, don’t send them sympathy send them help of some kind.

Thanks to those of you for sticking with me, I love your little notes and especially when you enjoy some content made in my past. I ain’t dead yet and got miles to go before I rest I’m kicking at the darkness tell it bleeds daylight.

To those of you who are bored of me and/or have unsolicited opinions & miracle cures, send them to someone else and I’ll remember when you need a kind word. No grudges but seriously save it.

These remarks were inspired by women in my support group who are twice is tough and three times as wise as I am. I have strong sister mentors to whom I am very grateful but I won’t do them and dignity of naming them here because they don’t need that either. But they do need pictures of bunnies. XO UW

Slowly, slowly

Perhaps the hardest i’ve pushed myself mentally in a long time. Weeded through loads of forms and trying to reassemble life from spare parts

Feeling pretty happy today. Got Drs. appts lined up, new juice recipe, & feeling a little less blue + tiny bit less weak. Slowly Slowly Dave.

Notes from re-entry

Struggling with re-entry a wee bit. Had some odd complications and taking it easy and unsocial.

I’m lagging on all sort of correspondence, projects for Jamaica, and calling my Mom and stuff but gotta keep it super chill til i get stable. #healing #grateful #sleep #slow

Here’s a photo to amuse in the meantime – it’s me being a tour guide in Guam in 1995.

Dave gives a spiel at Starsand Beach, Guam, circa 1995

For reference, this is me at 25 years old taking a group of Japanese package tourists into the Guam jungle to show them WW2 wreckage, hidden caves, wild pigs and carabao with a rest stop at a Chamorro hut we built to enjoy some coconut snacks. Place is called Starsand Beach Club. Here’s a vague sense of where: https://goo.gl/maps/B2edk

The beach club closed down after 9/11 due to security concerns as we had to bring tourists and staff through Andersen AFB each day.

In other words, i haven’t changed much… except that around this time, i found the Internets which altered my life course.