though i am not sure what truth entails truthful which really occurred in the physical reality. even if no one else witnessed the incident. truthful like something to believe in , something to dream something that i can hope for – though i haven’t an interest in the truth – abandon me to my illusions…
there am driving a Plymouth Valiant with push button transmission – through decadent Richard’s street night, dreary bulbs, dreary faces i could run it all – run into the ground if the pavement would burst – yield with my pressure – the force of extraction the push of exertion breaking free until some truth is found – truth is i don’t fucking know what it is exactly that i want to find – want to do – want to be. how to get there & how it looks and where it is * i don’t even care really i all want is for peace and thrill to coexist.
chaos and comfort simultaneously – seduction and elation – reckless and safe. my mercurial soul demands nothing less. how?
well it always just happens. a chance comes, i say ‘yes’. always yes .. “is it odd, dangerous or simple or confusing?” whichever, ‘yes, yes, yes, let’s go” I’ve always said yes, every-time until … but am i a not rolling with the flow again?
where is my manifest destiny? keep on climbing mountains, checking boxes, completing forms, chatting in new solar systems – always wide open to the outside – closed to the inside. the world doesn’t get that bit of me – blahs in papers, anecdotes and interludes, yes – but the frantic sleepless stretches of self-doubt, confusion, confession, remorse, regret, these fade so quick when the mercury changes.
i forget it all when i am able to clamber into my comfort trench … nothing interests me but when i can create, the rest of the time – i wander as caretaker of a carcass waiting for the practicalities of life to present a lapse in tension & an aligned moment where i can BE without trying. those moments are everything and the only thing … how can i get there all the time?
to control the mental process, heart leading mind – everyday – all the day. i am not sure i care enough to find out cause it happens often as it is – but more more. only because i embrace chaos and thrive on random chance of happenstance. always saying yes, let’s go go. but not now … and why is that that i stay i remain as i am? where i be? behave, being just how it is? behaving? trying? struggling? fighting the current? because this is the way I’ve always rolled. when the doors open, i rely on hunches on which to trespass.
likely i am always wrong in logical hindsight but would i trade the experiences & random incidents for more peace? or the ability to find peace reliably? to find the discipline to create when the circumstance dictated rather than wait, wait, struggle, pace, emotional disposal & effort to find fleeting moments of peace to make, create. is this the moments i crave? are the creations more important than the peace? can i coexist without tempering the fire & spontaneity of what i make? is this the panacea or the pill?
Things i Seek &/or I enjoy: 1) quiet (i.e without humans, phones, cars – rivers OK); 2) rainy days with a view and nothing obligatory to do; 3) culture (new, odd, pleasant); 4) literature – still so much to read; 5) walking, strolling, hiking uphill